Presumptive Presidential Nominees Trump and Clinton Get Into Pissing Match on Twitter

This is what current politicians were like before Twitter.

The future President of the United States and her Republican opponent got into a pissing match on Twitter today and it was whatever the opposite of amazingly presidential is.

Trump attacked first:



Then the person running Hillary's account (because, let's face it, Hillary uses Twitter as much as my grandmother) fired back with this:



Props for the Garbage Time reference, but still... not presidential. Nor was it over.



Trump's Twitter game is strong.

Now I'm off to bed to dream about an alternate universe where Joe Biden and Mitt Romney were each their respective party's nominees, Trump was still firing celebrities from his fake reality show business, and Hillary was somewhere getting paid to give speeches to rich people.

RIP Kimbo Slice, the Toughest Man on the Internet

RIP Kimbo Slice.

Kimbo was injured during his time in the UFC, and was a sideshow attraction for Bellator, but he was once the baddest man on the Internet.

Don't believe me? Here's video evidence.

Hillary Clinton Won and Now It's Time To Suck It Up and Vote for Her

Has it come to this? It has come to this.

I don't like Hillary Clinton. You don't like Hillary Clinton. Bernie and his bros don't like Hillary Clinton. I'm pretty sure even Bill doesn't like Hillary Clinton all that much.

Nobody likes Hillary Clinton.

But she won the Democratic nomination. If you need proof, here's the proof:

Painful, I know. I'll give you a few minutes to let the horror sink in.

...

Now that we're all disgusted with all things politics, it's time to get over it. There's only one choice for President this year, and it's Hillary. We basically HAVE to vote for Hillary.

Why?

Because the alternative is this guy:

Who is that guy?

He's a birther, he's anti-vax, he's pro-punishing women who get abortions, he's either a racist or too damn stupid to know what he's saying is completely racist, he's a liar on a level that Hillary could only dream of achieving, and he's a complete lunatic.

And he can't be president.

Not of this country. Not of my country. Not of any country.

He's a guy who stands for nothing. His policies change depending on who he's talking to. His only real consistent talking point is questioning the integrity of anyone who dares speak up against him.

He's not a bully, he's a jackass.

Clinton is a lot of things, but she's not a moron. At least we know where she stands, and we know she's intelligent enough to not fall under the spell of conspiracy touting tin-foil hat wearing imbeciles like Alex Jones.

So suck it up people. Go to the polls in November. Hold your nose. Vote for Hillary.

Drunk Me Reacts To Michael Bisping's UFC 199 Win on Twitter

Here's to hoping Luke Rockhold doesn't read this, come find me, and murder me dead.

RIP Muhammad Ali

“Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It’s an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It’s a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.” - Muhammad Ali

Dombrowski: Your Red Sox Need Pitching Help Sooner Than Later

If we learned anything over the last few days, it's that the 2016 Boston Red Sox need an infusion of major league pitching talent and they need it sooner than later.

Coming into the season, we knew the Red Sox pitching would suck. Joe Kelly, Rick Porcello, and Clay Buchholz were going to be prominently involved, so 3 out of every 5 days were going to involve throwing batting practice to the opposition.

What we didn't know is that the 2016 Red Sox would feature an offense that's so epic that it would be a God damn travesty to let it go to waste.

Dave Dombrowski needs to do something, and he needs to do something now.

You can't have multiple 10+ game hitting streaks going on at all times, guys hitting 5 HRs in 2 days, and be on pace to score around 1,000 runs, yet not get enough pitching to at least win the games offense plates 7+ runs.

In their last 3 losses, the Red Sox have scored 7, 9, and 9 runs. How is that even possible?

To make matters worse, guys we thought the Red Sox could depend on out of the bullpen, like Tazawa and Kimbrel, have struggled recently.

It's time to trade some prospects to get the major league team some pitchers. I'm not looking for a blockbuster at this point, I'm just looking for a starter who can go 6 without giving up 6, and a couple of bullpen arms who aren't Clay Buchholz or Noe Ramirez.

It doesn't seem like a guy with a sub-9 era should be hard to find.

So make it happen Dombrowski. You owe it to the offense you inherited from Ben Cherington and Theo Epstein.

The Most Useful Blog Ever Because I Never Have to Read Shank Shaughnessy Again

The most unlikable guy in Boston? The most unlikable guy in Boston.

Let's be honest, nobody likes Dan Shaughnessy. Unfortunately, he's the Boston Globe's top sports columnist. If we just refuse to read him, or completely ignore him, there's a chance (albeit a small one) that way may miss something important.

But now I never have to read his garbage again.

Whoever is running the Dan Shaughnessy Watch blog is doing God's work. He or she reads Shank's crap, and then recaps it on his blog. Anything important is there. Anything stupid is made fun of. It's the only thing I've ever read on the Internet and thought "Damn it, I wish I came up with that first."

On the other hand, had I come up with it first, I'd have to read Shank's shit every day.

So the 5 or 6 of you left with a Boston Globe subscription should just cancel and bookmark danshaughnessy.blogspot.com.

You're welcome.

Happy Anniversary to Me (and also my wife)

Tonight I've officially been married for 13 years. For my wife, I'm sure it seems like 100. She's put up with my crap for longer than anyone who wasn't legally obligated to do so, and for that she's likely already being considered for sainthood by Cool Pope.

Anyway, while I'm celebrating my Anniversary with the wife (a U12 softball game followed by an evening at Applebees), enjoy one of the most underrated moments in TV history (Gunther's reaction gets me every time).

3 HRs, 5 RBIs, 1 Insane Catch - Mookie Betts Is Freaking Amazing

Perhaps Mookie was getting a little sick of being overshadowed by his teammates' long hitting streaks. Tuesday night, Mookie went nuts. 3 HRs, 5 RBIs, and a completely ridiculous catch that was so insane you have to see it to believe it.

Mookie is now on pace for 37 HRs and 125 RBIs from the lead-off spot. Completely bananas.

Anyway, here's the video:

UFC's Nate Diaz on Boxing Floyd Mayweather

Maybe Conor McGregor was wrong when he said there were no other money fights left for Floyd Mayweather. Nate Diaz just sent out the following tweet:

I'm still having a hard time getting past the beating Diaz took in the first round from McGregor at UFC 196. Had McGregor not gassed out due to the extra weight he was carrying, I'm not sure how much more Diaz could have taken. It'd be interesting to see the rematch go down at 155 pounds instead of 170. 

And if McGregor, who's not a boxer, can pepper him like that, imagine what Mayweather could do? That said, Mayweather vs Diaz is a PPV I'd spend some money on.

Anyway, shots fired. Can't wait to see McGregor's response.

Here's the video Diaz linked to, in case you're interested:

Bernie Sanders Doesn't Understand Math or the NBA Playoffs

AP Photo/Ben Margot

Just when you think the candidates and their spokespeople have said every possible stupid thing they could possibly say over the course of one election, the Bernie Sanders campaign raises the bar.

Bernie spent his Monday night hanging out with the rich people at the Oracle watching game 7 of the Western Conference Finals. We all hate rich people, but we'd all put up with them for a few hours to see OKC try to knock off the defending champion Golden State Warriors. The series had been tremendous and we all knew game 7 would be an instant classic.

But that's not why Bernie decided to ditch the Bernie Bros for a night of canoodling with rich folk.

I'll let this tweet speak for itself:

Steph Curry and company started the season 24-0, but it was a mathematical impossibility for them to win 3 games in a row? No wonder Bernie still thinks he can win the nomination.

You have to know math to be President, right?

I Really Wish John Farrell Wasn't the Manager of the Red Sox

Despite the best efforts of their bumbling manager, the Boston Red Sox were able to salvage the final game of their three game series with the Toronto Blue Jays.

I could go through the list of reasons why John Farrell shouldn't be the manager of the Boston Red Sox (his bench coach is better, he banged a reporter, he generally sucks at managing baseball, etc.), but I'd rather concentrate on how his insanity impacted Sunday's game.

The Red Sox went into the game knowing that most of the important guys in their bullpen were unavailable. But luckily, they had their ace, David Price, on the mound. The goal was to get as much out of Price as possible, and then piece together whatever's left with whoever's available in the bullpen.

Price was cruising into the 7th inning. He retired the side in order in the 6th easily. To start the 7th, he gave up an infield single to Carrera, who then moved the 2nd on a Thole sacrifice bunt. No big deal. Price was only at 105 pitches, still looked strong, and with a taxed bullpen you'd think he'd stay out there to finish the 7th.

But for reasons known only to John Farrell, he pulled Price and replaced him with Hembree.

Hembree got out of the 7th, but then in the 8th he remembered he was Heath Hembree and gave up a game tying home run to Encarnacion.

A good manager lets Price finish the 7th, matches up with Hembree and Ross in the 8th, then uses Koji in the 9th. Not saying it definitely works, because admittedly sometimes you can do everything right and still have it blow up in your face, but I'm pretty confident this is the way a good manager plays it.

It didn't kill them this time, as they were able to get a scoreless inning of relief from Clay Buchholz (CLAY BUCHHOLZ!) and win it in the 11th, but eventually Farrell's incompetence is going to start costing this team games.

I'm willing to accept the theory that I'm biased against Farrell because of how awful the team's been the last two seasons. Maybe he does some things well and I just don't see it.

But here's my concern:

Much to everyone's surprise, the 2016 Red Sox are a pretty good team. They're almost definitely a playoff team. What if they're a wild card team? If the Red Sox need to win one game to get into the Divisional Round of the playoffs, do you trust that John Farrell isn't going to fuck it up?

Me either.

Stop Shooting Zoo Animals Because People Are Stupid

I'm not typically one of those animal loving PETA members who value animals over humans. I ate an insanely good burger last night, and I plan to double-down on my cow intake with an even better steak tonight (both from the Tuckaway Tavern Butchery in Raymond, NH, which is tremendous and should give me free stuff for mentioning them here).

I'm also not anti-zoo and I really don't care what's going on in Seaworld.

That said, let's stop shooting animals because people are morons.

First there was the moron who tried to commit suicide by stripping naked and jumping into a Lion enclosure. Rather than allowing him to die as nature would have intended, the zoo shot and killed 2 of the lions.

The lions did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong, other than being lions and trying to eat the food that was literally throwing itself at them.

What would of happened had they not shot the gorilla, probably.

Then yesterday, some negligent parent allowed their 4 year old son to fall into a gorilla enclosure at a Cincinnati zoo.

Despite the fact that I'm pretty confident this is how the story of Tarzan started, and that the gorilla definitely would have ended up being a better parent than the kid's real parents, the zoo shot and killed the gorilla so they could presumably give the kid back to the same parents that lost him to the gorilla in the first place.

(Holy shit that was a long sentence.)

How about next time we let the gorilla have the kid and shoot the parents?

And for god's sake if someone strips naked and jumps into an enclosure filled with large animals that can kill him, save your bullets.

Klay Thompson is a Goddamn Magician

I mean, seriously. A goddamn magician.

As if Steph Curry hitting threes from the tunnel wasn't bad enough, now Klay Thompson is draining no-look, turn-around, contested three pointers in the 4th quarter of an elimination game on the road against a team that features 2 of the top 5 players in the NBA? Are you shitting me? 

There should be a rule against having both Klay and Steph on the same team. It just isn't fair to the rest of the NBA. How much do you want to bet Lebron James is watching this Youtube video right now while planning his annual "we're losing the Finals, so it's time to throw my teammates under the bus" speech?

Some Thoughts on Memorial Day

Memorial Day is a day of remembrance for those who have died in service of the United States of America.

Given the nature of the political discourse in this country right now, I thought it was important to list some of the types of people who have died to protect your right to voice your political opinions.

Both liberals and conservatives have died defending their country.

Republicans, Democrats, Independents, and supporters of less popular political parties have all died defending their country.

Christians, Muslims, Jews, and Atheists have all died protecting religious freedom.

Blacks, Whites, Asians, Native Americans, and Hispanics have all died defending their country.

Because of that, it's important to remember, the United States belongs to all of us. We all love America, we all want to Make America Great Again. We just have different ideas on how to do that.

This is why I get so frustrated when I see someone like Curt Schilling say something like this:

“While I don’t agree with him (Trump) there are two incredibly important things he possesses that neither candidate on the Soviet ticket do. He loves this country. You can laugh, you can mock, but you also are full of crap if the current administration has ever given you the confidence that they love this nation above all else.”

You can agree or disagree with what Bernie and Hillary stand for, but to claim they don't love America is just stupid. Bernie loves America so much he's willing to destroy the Democratic Party to save it. Hillary loves America so much she's willing to put up with more than 20 years of Republican attacks on her character.

And Donald Trump loves America too. Of this, I have no doubt. Even if I disagree with almost everything else that comes out of his mouth.

We are where we are because both sides are convinced the other side is evil. A governor acts friendly with a President of the opposing party after his state is destroyed by a hurricane and he's disowned by his party. The Speaker of the House can't meet with the President because his followers see it as a sign of weakness.

Any and all compromise is a sure way to get voted out of office.

The best argument for Trump is that he's expressed a willingness to negotiate with the other side. It's amazing that we've come to a point where something like that is a radical idea.

So, on this Memorial Day weekend, I just ask everyone to remember who we're memorializing and the type of country they were fighting so hard to defend.

Happy Memorial Day.

Remembering The Greatest (fictional) President In United States History

This is how a President gets Congress to pass his shit.

Since it's become apparent that Bernie Sanders is going to destroy Hillary Clinton before Donald Trump even gets the chance, I've been trying to wrap my head around the idea of President Donald Trump.

That's right, I'm now completely convinced that The Donald is going to be President. 

(Thanks Bernie! You're the best! Liberal hero!)

(Jackass.)

You know, the guy who:

• Brought up the size of his junk during a Presidential debate, even though we all know he's lying. (We can see your hands, Donald. They're tiny. We all know. Just stop.)
• Doesn't understand why Obama calls them "ISIL" and not "ISIS" but definitely has the best plan to destroy them.
• Thinks the President of the United States has the power to tell OPEC that, and I quote "you're not going to raise that fucking price" of oil. (Wonder why Obama never thought of that? Weak!)
• Is one of those anti-vax truther morons.
• Is one of those birther morons.
• Had this happen to him:

But hey, he thinks Tom Brady is innocent, so he has my vote. 

Anyway, to get you ready for the Trump Administration, let's take the next 3 minutes to enjoy the greatest State of the Union address in (fictional) United States history.

Hey Red Sox, The Tampa Bay Rays Already Retired Wade Boggs' Number

Maybe it's just me (judging by Twitter, it's definitely not just me), but I could have gone my entire life without seeing Wade Boggs day at Fenway Park.

Let me start by listing the stupid (and wrong) reasons I've seen people throw out there for not wanting his number retired:

• He played for the Yankees and rode a horse once. 
• I don't care that he played for the Yankees, and frankly, the horse thing was genius.
• He was a selfish player because he walked a lot and refused to hit HRs. 
• Check his Baseball Reference page. I don't care if he was selfish, the guy was an offensive beast. If he played today, he'd be the best offensive player in baseball. 
• He wore his Yankees Championship ring at Fenway!
• If I had a championship ring, I'd have it surgically attached to my finger and I'd annoy the crap out of everyone with it.

If you've used any of those reasons to complain about his number being retired, you're wrong. 

There's only one reason why I'd have never retired his number: He wanted to go into the Hall of Fame as a Tampa Bay Ray (technically a Devil Ray, but still). 

When he agreed to become the Rays first hall of famer, he lost his right to have his number retired at Fenway.  I don't care what his reasons were. I don't care how much the Rays paid him for it. And I don't care that the Hall of Fame put the kibosh on it. The fact that Boggs even considered agreeing to do it was a slap in the face to all Red Sox fans. 

Our slap back should have been continuing to allow guys like Lou Merloni and Brock Holt to wear #26.

Or maybe I'm just irrationally negative about everything because JBJ's hitting streak came to an end tonight?  Either way, screw Wade Boggs. 

Red Sox: Please Make Clay Buchholz Go Away

Must. Throw. To. First. Base. Again. 

Please, Red Sox, no más. I can't take it anymore. I just can't.

Don't make me sit through another Clay Buchholz start. Just end it. Come up with a phantom injury, dupe some sucker GM into trading for him, or DFA the guy.  I really don't care.

Just don't make me watch him pitch ever again.

Thursday night was the most Clay Buchholz start of the season. For three innings, he was dealing. Then in the 4th inning he allowed his first base runner and it all went to shit.

It's the same thing every time. Once a runner gets on base, Clay's OCD kicks in. He can no longer concentrate on the batter. He takes too long between pitches. He pays a stupid amount of attention to the runner. Then he hangs a breaking ball or grooves a fastball.

Lather, rinse, repeat. Literally. He did the same thing three times in 5 innings Thursday night.

We keep holding out hope that the guy's gonna go on another run like he did in 2013. But after starting the month of May with a surprising 7 inning outing against the White Sox where he gave up only 2 runs and earned his first win of the season, Buchholz has given up 18 runs in 4 starts. That's after giving up 20 runs in 5 starts in the month of April.

He's not going on a run, he's just giving up runs (see what I did there?).

As Jared Carrabis pointed out on Twitter, the Red Sox are 3-7 when Clay Buchholz pitches. Think about how hard it is to do that when you're pitching on a team that's currently in first place with a 29-18 record.

The Red Sox with Clay Buchholz pitching are the 2014 Red Sox.

The Red Sox without Clay Buchholz pitching are the 1927 Yankees.

Eduardo Rodriguez is almost ready to return to the Red Sox rotation. When he gets back, someone has to go. There is no compelling argument for keeping Clay Buchholz over any of the other 4 starters. David Price is the ace, Steven Wright has pitched like an ace, Joe Kelly hasn't lost a decision since last July, and Rick Porcello's been the Red Sox most consistent pitcher since last August.

How can you look any of those guys in the face and tell them they're being demoted to the bullpen in favor of Clay Freaking Buchholz?

Forget the talent. Forget the potential. Forget the stuff.

Forget Buchholz.

Amicus Curiae - Porn for Patriots fans

Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been trying really hard to play nice with the NFL since DeflateGate began, but umm... Not anymore.

The Patriots didn't go nuclear Wednesday, but they definitely lobbed an Al Davis Memorial Grenade at Roger Goodell and the NFL front office with the Amicus Curiae brief they filed with the Second Circuit in support of Tom Brady and the NFLPA.

Either the elder Kraft has finally had enough, or his son Jonathan locked him in a closet and temporarily took control of his team. Either way, the Patriots have declared war and it's freaking tremendous.

Here's my favorite part of the main text of the brief:

The paucity of evidence against Mr. Brady magnifies the unfairness of refusing the requested discovery. As the Myths Article (see fn. 6, supra) points out, there is no direct evidence of either Mr. Brady’s knowledge of or involvement in any tampering or of any such tampering, and the circumstantial evidence relied upon does not support either conclusion. After months of investigation and scores of witness interviews, the most that Paul Weiss could conclude was that Mr. Brady was probably “generally aware” of a violation by others. JA97. That standard for imposing a penalty was challenged in the appeal to the Commissioner. No additional evidence of Mr. Brady’s knowledge or involvement was presented at his appeal hearing. The Commissioner, to move beyond the “general awareness” finding, asserted that Mr. Brady was not credible when he testified that he and Mr. Jastremski only discussed the preparation of footballs for the Super Bowl in their communications in the days following the AFC Championship Game. SPA50. That finding was made before it was known the transcripts of the hearing would be made public. The transcripts, later ordered to be made public, reveal that the Commissioner misstated the evidence and that, in fact, Mr. Brady testified he and Mr. Jastremski spoke about both the preparation of footballs for the upcoming Super Bowl and about the PSI story that was garnering media attention.

But the best parts were in the footnotes, where the Patriots lawyers absolutely decimated the NFL and their legal team:

This misstatement of Mr. Brady’s testimony about the content of the Brady-Jastremski communications was repeated at oral argument in this Court by League counsel. That misstatement, unfortunately, continued the pattern of misstatements in the NFL’s brief to this Court about the record in this case. For example, to address the refusal to provide discovery of interview notes, the NFL’s brief asserted that Mr. Brady’s counsel was present at numerous of the Paul Weiss interviews. In fact, they were present at only Mr. Brady’s interview. See JA123. The NFL’s brief further stated that the term “deflator” was used in Jastremski-McNally texts before and throughout the 2014 season; in fact, the term appears in only one of thousands of texts, a text that occurred four months before the season in a string of texts having nothing to do with the preparation of footballs. JA170. The NFL’s brief also totally mischaracterized the content of other texts, asserting, for example, that they contained demands by Mr. McNally that Mr. Brady provide him with financial or other benefits; in fact, not a single text stated that. All these mischaracterizations were designed to make the evidence against Mr. Brady seem far stronger than it was. The actual texts at issue are set forth in detail in the Wells Report, so this Court need not rely on their mischaracterizations in the NFL’s brief.

...and my favorite part, from footnote 2:

From the outset of this matter the League’s conduct reflects less a search for the truth than pursuit of a pre-determined result and defense of a report which, despite no direct evidence of tampering or Mr. Brady’s involvement, was relied on to impose penalties with no precedent or correlation to the alleged offense. The League’s commitment to the conclusions of the Wells Report on which the penalties were based was so absolute that in Mr. Brady’s appeal one of the chief Paul Weiss investigators and an author of the Report, Mr. Reisner, served as the League’s counsel and examined witnesses. JA 974-986, 998-1006, 1052-1056, 1059-1061, 1065. In addition, at the very outset of the investigation the League leaked materially incorrect PSI information and refused to correct it for months, allowing public misperceptions to fester. At the AFC Championship Game itself, and despite having no knowledge of the impact of weather on PSI (as admitted under oath, JA1007 at 231:6), League personnel were already accusing the Patriots of cheating. The League made a “preliminary finding” of wrongdoing by Patriots’ employees less than 24 hours after the Game. JA1195. Penalties were imposed only three business days after receipt of the 139 page Wells Report and the 82 page Exponent Report and obviously without any critical assessment of either. The Commissioner publicly praised the Wells Report, imposed penalties based on it, and then insisted on hearing and deciding Mr. Brady’s appeal himself despite the authority to appoint an independent person to do so. When evidence at that hearing did not provide support for enhanced findings against Mr. Brady (to go beyond “general awareness” of violations by others), the Commissioner made new findings and changed the basis on which Mr. Brady was being penalized.

In summary, the Patriots called bullshit on the NFL's ridiculous investigation and flat out called the Commissioner of the NFL and his lawyers a bunch of damn liars.

It's brilliant, really.

For a fan base that's been extremely frustrated by the team's lack of willingness to fight for their quarterback, this is a welcome change of tone. With the exception of a passive aggressive website based attack on the validity of the Wells Report, the Patriots have mostly stayed on the sidelines throughout the DeflateGate legal battle. It's about time they jumped to the defense of their quarterback and spoke up for their angry fans.

Like the headline says, this thing is porn for Patriots fans.

An Open Letter to WWE's Vince McMahon

Dear Vince McMahon,

I think I speak for all WWE fans when I say we really want to boo this guy:



And we really want to cheer for this guy:



Please stop trying to make us do the opposite.

Warmest Regards,
Sean

PS: Also, for reasons unbeknownst to most of us, we really kinda like this guy:

Kevan Miller Scouting Report

Kevan is a great passer.

He's also good at defense.

FYI - I really dislike Cam Neely and Don Sweeney. 

Does This Thing Still Work?

The Donald likes this picture because his hand almost looks like a normal sized hand.

Look, if Donald Trump can be President simply because his name looks good on a casino that's probably bankrupt, then I can update this ridiculously named blog every once in a while.

The country is going to shit and it's 100% Joe Biden's fault. Now I'm stuck with a choice between a crazy (probably) racist with small hands, a negligent email user under FBI investigation, a socialist old man who doesn't understand economics, and some random guy named Gary Johnson.

As of right now, the small hands guy is leading most polls, which is why Vladimir Putin is currently walking around with a raging Gary Johnson in his pants.

And worst of all, Sasha Banks is probably injured and Tom Brady is probably suspended.

But on the bright side, the Boston Red Sox are officially a wagon.  By my unofficial count, they're on pace to score 5,000 runs this season.  Jackie Bradley Jr. has morphed into a faster, more powerful Ted Williams somehow.  Xander Bogaerts is good for 2 hits a night. Mookie is a 30 HR, 100 RBI lead-off hitter. And Big Papi is somehow better than he's ever been.  Literally.

The Red Sox haven't been this exciting offensively since 2003.

So, here's the deal.  If politics, Boston sports, professional wrestling, and MMA annoys you, it's probably best that you just ignore this place until I get sick of writing again and it disappears from the Internet.

Also, if you like the Kevan Miller contract extension, we can't be friends.

In closing, I'm pretty drunk right now, so there's a decent chance I forget this thing exists again tomorrow. Someone please remind me on Twitter.

Also, please tell John Dennis to stop stalking me.